Taozi Tree Yoga

The seeds we water are the seeds that grow.

Remembering our Katie…

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Princessa…

Lex, Mo, myself, and miss Katie meet up for the holidays 2010…

Dear Katie,

We love you and miss you down here. I know your still with us in spirit. I feel you particularly when I laugh a lot or when for some reason I myself am funny and make people burst into a fit of giggles. I’m so sad you are not here with us any more. My best friend and sister. It’s been hard coming to accept that you are really gone. There is a hole in my gut where your presence used to be, the comfort of knowing you were here with me, trying your best to figure life out. I always knew you would find your path eventually, I never would have guessed that this was God’s plan for you. I accept it today and I’ll let you go, over and over again, but I still miss you deeply and this is our time, a year after your death, to feel that.

My apology to you. I tried to hold on to you, I wish I had done more and for not, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know my apologizing and guilt are worthless but of course I wish I had done something more. Of course. I don’t know what else to say. At first, I couldn’t understand it. You always seemed to get the God idea more then anyone else. Always… You felt that in your spirit for as long as I knew you… I’ve come to believe you were never meant to stay long. Like Rich. Say hi to rich for me. Big tears and a smile inserted here. You are a bright shiny light sent to burn brightly, helping to ignite others. You ignited me miss Katie. You really did.

I never felt more inspired or ready to face the world as my true self then after my conversations with you. Talking for hours about God, spirituality, our maximum potential, our possibilities and how to achieve the things we wanted.

Man. Katie, you were such a powerful spirit. You still are. It feels good to reflect on what you have meant to me the last few days… You meant more to me then you ever knew, you meant more to all of us then you ever knew. I just wish I could have told you more before you left. I hope you can hear me, feel me now?

We  miss you and the world is not the same place with out you. I assure you that, like any time someone you love passes, we have tried to live stronger… We have tried to carry a positive message out of you leaving. I have tried and tried and tried to make excuses for how you were in pain and are in a better place… I know it’s true but I’m still sad, selfishly, and in many ways angry to not have you here. How I would love to share the things going on in my life with you. I am so happy Katie. Life feels like a dream world. I know if you can see me you are happy. Very happy.  Here’s the point where I tell you I am blessed, lucky, and grateful for the opportunity to see the fragility of life with your departure, but blast. Blast. I wish it wasn’t you to teach us this lesson.

I know you were tired of fighting, so I get it. I’m glad you found a way to truly be free. Really. It must feel like the permanent escape we always searched for? I’m not sure… For now Katie… We are still here missing you. Thinking of you with a smile. I’m trying to live the best I can and enjoy every moment until it’s my time… Hopefully a long time away. Stay with me 🙂 Keep helping me along the path. I love you. I love you. We love you. We miss you and won’t forget you. Ever.

Katie playing with her foo-foo dogs in 2009…

My  strongest memories of Katie take place at Paris on the Plat coffee shop in downtown Denver. One of our favorite places to go late night with some pens and paper. There we would write and drink coffee in a haze of smoke and whispers. The ambiance of that place seemed to set us free. The Waffle House on south Broadway was her staple. She even worked there at one point, embellishing that lost poet part of her.  Katie was a poet, a beautiful, dark, poet. Ironic considering the lightness and joy she brought to those around her. Perhaps she kept her ghosts for the paper.

At 16 we were already troubled souls, desperate to find an answer for the loss we felt with our own existence. We found temporary solace in many places, the healthiest of which being the pen. She in particular had an incredible ability to shine her heart out regardless of what was going on inside it. Through her pen, through her voice, her laugh, her smile, her tears, her eyes… She expressed herself profoundly.

At 18 Sarah, Katie and I, all three vibrant Scorpios who often discussed our supernatural connection, decided to go to Boulder on a whim. We all 3 got a tattoo based off of a Ute North American Indian rock art symbol meaning “meandering spirit”. I had seen it in a museum gift shop painted on a rock when I was a child and it always stuck with me. Katie and Sarah were my meandering spirit sisters. Katie more then any of us always seemed to have her toe barely touching the earth while the rest of her floated around above waiting to let go altogether. After high school it became clear as we globe trotted in search of purpose, possibility, and ultimately happiness…that our existential angst ran deeper than the average suburban teenager. The struggle with addiction and the loss of self were key contributors to the paths we all ended up taking down the road of destiny. It makes total sense to me that she is gone…  I hate that she is gone, but have to accept it. Knowing in my core that she is in a better place and finally at peace, makes it easier for me to accept.

I miss her incredibly; there were so many parts to her that we’re simply unique to Katie.  As those that knew her can all agree, her laugh, her smile, her open heart were irreplaceable. She was the funniest person I ever knew and starting from the time we became friends at 14 in biology class, when the four of us girls, Kelly, Maggie, Katie and I were split up to the four corners of the room because we simply could not stop laughing, mostly because of Katie.  Laughter. Jokes. Lightheartedness. Truly amazing. She had the ability to give impressions of other people, totally spontaneous and they would leave everyone hysterical. My favorite was her impression of Will Ferrell imitating Harey Carey, saying,” If the moon were made of cheese, would you eat it? I know I sure would.”

Katie was generous beyond measure, and a total diva. I don’t think any one was more fashionable in high school and beyond then Katie. She had a flare that was uniquely hers and inspiring. She showed me how to accessorize according to individuality and with confidence. She could pull off many looks, which others could not, short hair, long hair, blonde hair, red hair… jeans, boots, high heels, flats… She matched what she was feeling with her clothes. I’ll always picture her with short blood red nails; light brown hair pulled up into her high pony tail (volleyball style) with her voluminous bangs… Her bright eyes glittering, jeans, a t-shirt, with some funky golden Romanesque saddles and a huge purse filled with everything but the kitchen sink, perhaps even a small dog? Her lime green Volkswagen bug buzzing around Littleton. Diva indeed.

A year ago today Katie surprising left behind many people who loved her dearly, and that she loved dearly; her many friends, her parents, her brothers, her sister. I know we have all found it difficult to have an open space where she used to be. Of course we have to try to find a reason for why she’s gone. The obvious message being that we have to live to the fullest, to be grateful for the life we have, and mostly to make the most out of the time we have with those we love. I personally have found comfort in pledging to be more lighthearted, to smile more, and to carry her in spirit so that she lives on. Perhaps I’ll add on the extra accessory, some clanging bangles or eye shadow I know she would approve of. The red nails and dark lipstick. It’s at these times that I know she isn’t far away. To all those friends who are at distant corners of the planet. Know that I love you very much.

Her contagious beautiful smile shining from her heart…

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Author: taozirae

Theresa, known as Taozi 桃子(Peach)to her Chinese students, has been teaching yoga since 2008. She has studied many types of yoga with world renowned teachers from all over the planet. China, the United States, Australia, and India. With over 1000 hours of YTT experience she is thrilled to have the opportunity to share the sweetness of her eclectic practice with others. Her life philosophy is that “The seeds we water are the seeds that grow “…wherever we decide to put our energy, our thoughts, and our actions are the areas of our lives that will grow. Life is about learning to water the right seeds!

4 thoughts on “Remembering our Katie…

  1. My continued sympathy to you, Theresa, on the death of your dear friend. Anniversaries are times of reflection, gratitude, and grief. Keep on keeping on……You are loved….

  2. Oh Theresa…. Thank you for writing this, and sharing this…. The last two weeks I have thought of Katie for most of the days and finally someone said to me “Is the anniversary of her passing coming up”? I hadn’t connected it, but I feel like she has been visiting more lately. I sympathize with the selfishness in feeling that I played a part, or didn’t do enough to support her in the light. As her sponsor for a short period there will maybe always be a part of me that feels I failed on making what we do attractive, and the truth is I may have not made it attractive, may have made it seem like more work then play. That is between God and I to settle today. But what I know to be true more then anything else is that celebration on the gifts she gave will always be the most important way to honor how lovely, talented, and free spirited Katie always was.

    I found myself at Knight Academy last night. The elementary school we met at. I thought of how Katie came in 4th grade and it was if she had always been there. An automatic implant into the Kelly, Callie, Allison trio, we became four square. A piece of the most innocent times I have. I believe she was in (and was the bride) in several weddings that took place on that field, until the teachers banned us from getting married at school any longer, and even then Katie was always dressed to impress. The teacher of, accessories are a necessity. In fact when Katie and I crossed paths again in adult life I will never forget her reaction when I told her the only hair styles I knew how to do is curled down or, pony tail up-“Allison you are way to cool for that to be ok”.

    I remember going to her house in Denver with a massive spiral staircase and spending hours jumping from one floor to the bottom, a pile of blankets and pillows laid out as our lading strip. Katie’s ability to let go had always been there, and I love what you said about “her toe barley touching the earth while the rest of her floated above waiting to let go all together”. This is such a beautiful way to describe the spirit that she has always been, and the reminder that she is where she is supposed to be now.

    Katie, you continue to be a positive impact. I will spend these days in honor of you, and the invitation to sit and listen to your poetry, the bleach blonde hair you did your best to give me :), your LAUGH, GOD your amazingly free contagious laugh, and I cannot wait to read the pages in the book that will now be something people can hear, see and connect too. Light in the dark tunnel for others. You are danced to, dressed to, and walked with. I think I’ll do as Theresa said and paint my nails red today to be just a little closer to you.

    Theresa I love you! Thank you for sharing this with all of us!!

  3. Allison, Im happy you enjoyed it and thank you for sharing your thoughts… I LOVE imagining her jumping into piles of pillows, typical eh? Loving you mucho…

    My pleasure Matt, I think of her all the time… Sending you a big hug 😉

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